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| J: why did you not love yourself?
K: haha
J: you know
K: countless reasons
J: when people ask if i like who i am
: i say of course
: but whn they ask why are what parts of myself do i like
: i dont have an answer
K: maybe you're being modest?
J: so i wonder sometimes if i really do like who i am/became
: its not false modesty
K: ask me
J: do you like who you are?
K: of course
J: what parts of yourself do you like?
K: I like that I care about people
: I like that I have goals in life that will benefit more than myself
: I like that I have a strong character
: I like that I am always learning and growing and evolving and changing and adapting
: I think I'm fairly intelligent
: mostly confident
: semi-charismatic
: I think I'm pretty good-looking, objectively speaking
: but very imortantly
: I like that I have flaws
: and that there are some that I know about and am actively trying to fix
: some that I don't know about that I will find out about that I will actively try to fix
: but also some that I know about and some that I will never know about
: that I have no intentino of doign anything about
: I like that I have gone thru pain
: so I can know and appreciate what happiness is
: I liek that I have gone thru loss
: so I can know and appreciate what love is
: and I LOVE
: that I believe all this
: and for the most part could care less about what others think
: :]
: ta-daaa~
J: it was a poem until you ended it with the smiley and the ta-daaa
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| I love it. I've just been sitting up for the past two hours thinking about it and I couldn't stop. It's the first day of the new quarter and here I am at 4am writing a blog. It's ridiculous, but I'm buzzing. There's been an urge at least once a day to write in here for the past few weeks, but also a desire to just see where it'd all ride out first before putting it into words. In the back of my mind, there was something like a...superstition? that if I did write about it it'd somehow take away the magic or something, which makes no sense I know, but I just wanted it to keep going and enjoy it before thinking about it.
And even though now I've actually reached this point, thinking back I know it's just all too much to write about in detail, which is also why I'm extremely glad I took so many pictures to capture those moments. It's going to be a new hobby of mine, and I hope I don't annoy anyone with it (if someone doesn't want to be in them that's cool they just have to let me know). But ultimately, I'm not going to stop because what I've come to realize is that I have an amazing life. I always have. I've had incredible experiences that make me one of the luckiest people I know, and it was always just a matter of how I looked at it. And I feel like I'm finally looking at it right, which just creates this overwhelming feeling of content and satisfaction. Okay I got side-tracked a bit there, but back to the main topic at hand: I've had an amazing life...but I also have a horrible memory, meaning that it's hard for me to remember what made the stuff I did so great. I'm not like J, who always says "I remember when..." or stuff like that, because I don't remember when anything. Sad, but it is what it is. So even though I have alot of interesting content, I never have a story to tell. I feel like it's kind of a waste to have such good times and then not remember anything. The personal emotional connection fades along with the memories as well, and then I'm just left feeling frustrated. Hence, pictures. Also, I was always jealous of the kids that could pull out albums of their childhood. I have baby albums, but unfortunately somewhere along the way the photos dried up, and the period from kindergarten until about sophomore year in high school are mostly empty. So from now on, I'm going to be that guy that takes pictures.
I started this blog thinking I was going to write all about my break, but I ended up spending most of it talking about why and how I'm going to be taking alot of pictures. Now I'm getting kind of sleepy, but just in summary, I had the greatest Christmas break that I have ever had. What an absolutely great way to end the old year and start a new one; I couldn't even have dreamed up a better three weeks of my life at this point, and I can't even begin to express how grateful I am to each and every person that I came into contact in this time. Love, kindness, welcome, positive vibes, that's all I felt the entire time. Of course, I wasn't able to get in depth with every single person. Maybe there were people that were being fake and maybe there ewren't, I don't know. But for me, there wasn't a single person I wasn't genuinely happy to see. My wish in my last blog post really did come true in certain ways. And I know I'm going to need to put in a conscious effort to make sure that this wasn't a one-time fling thing, but that the friendships I've made or rediscovered are sustained. I'll figure it out as I try who wants to be in my life and who doesn't. But I feel like life experiences have made me a more positive person, and that I'm much better equipped now to roll with the punches, smile when things aren't going my way, and hug without discriminating, even my haters.
Was going to write more about how I'm excited for the challenges of this quarter, but I'll save that for another day. In short, budget deliberations, Admin projects, PULSE, March in March, Occupy for Education, World Affairs Council global issue project, APASL work, not to mention classes, I have a hell of a quarter ahead of me. Even thinking about it is already beginning to give me some stress. But I'm loving the feeling for some reason, and I can't wait for it all to start. :]
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| So I got it back. And for the first time in a long time, I really looked and felt through my life on Facebook. And when I see these pictures and videos and think of all the insecurities I had back then and some of the bad things that did happen, it's just really a feeling of "who cares?" because in light of all these other things that I can look back on with such happiness, the rest was so insignificant. I was dressed up like a girl in a Spice Girls parody. I was skinny as hell plus I danced the moves over the top so I really did look like a girl, but I rocked it you know? I sang out of tune sometimes in the choir videos and it was really obvious. But it sounds beautiful to me. Some candid photos catching me in an "unflattering light"? No, they're all sexy. I love all of it, and I re-lived all of it. Sometimes, you just need to take a step back, stop taking life so seriously for a second, and just appreciate.
Starting at Disneyland with band.
Then hanging out with A & C, playing Imaginiff and talking for hours.
To rally stuff that we did for Junior year and just hanging out with P, E, and that crew.
Then "partying" in high school (non-alcoholic, but still fun, see it works out!)
Sadies with A, then Junior Prom with E.
Powderpuff cheerleading!
Competitions in the Fall and Hawaii in the Spring with band.
Retreat, Skywalker, Serenades, Chicago, and Phantom with Cappella!!
Then CCC trip to Canada, best last trip of all time I remember crying so hard.
Even the stuff that wasn't on camera. Fourth Period APUSH. First Period Business. MIDDLE SCHOOL lol whatever, everything! It was all such a magical experience. And I'd be a fool to throw it away. That's me! And if I honestly believe that I love myself, that's part of it too.
Also looking back, there were lots and lots of good people in my life, people I loved and wish with all my heart I could still have a relationship with. I definitely tried to suppress alot of things for a very long time and pushed alot of people that I was close to away from me when I was going thru rough patches. Something that makes me sad is that I don't have a close group of friends from my high school days anymore. That means, especially around this time of year when people are coming back for the holidays, I got no one to really see or talk to or hang out with. I really wish that I had a chance to re-connect with them. To see how everyone's changed, and to show everyone else how I've changed. I wonder if I'll ever get a chance to. Sometimes scars run deep, I know that. I don't know. Whatever will happen will happen I guess.
Up until recently, starting my life over has been abandoning everything else that made me who I was and doing everything new. Because remembering hurt. But I've come to realize that to truly grow means you have to embrace every part of yourself first before adding on stuff. I am all those things in those pictures and videos, the good and the bad. And I'm not ashamed or embarrassed of any of it. The good, I can cherish. The bad, I can cherish too, just in a different way by learning from it. Life is too short for awkwardness. That was who I was. And I am who I am now because of each and every piece of that.I didn't do anything "too this" or "not enough" this. I did everything just right. Because that's my life. I look back and love everything I see. It may not be the best picture or video of me, but it was me, and that's what makes it perfect. My life is my own masterpiece. Perfect in its imperfections.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV4DiAyExN0
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| The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. | | |
| I know this is kind of cliche and overdone (it reminds me of the HIMYM episode where the soup kitchen is all filled up lol) but over Winter Break, since I won't be doing WAC, Student Senate, APASL, or anything else that's trying to make positive change, I really want to complete a goal I've had and volunteer at a shelter or chilling at a hospital or orphanage this break. I want to use tihs break to hang with friends and loved ones, but I also want to spend time loving those that perhaps deserve it the most but don't get enough. I like doing this on a more personal level. It's nice to advocate for changes for the community as a whole, but when you get right in there and do what you can to put a smile on someone's face, man that's just priceless. This reminds me, I'm still determined, wherever I end up transferring, to get a part-time job and buy dinners for people in the area. I don't care what anyone says. Do I care about making myself happy, or do I actually care about feeding that person? I care about both. There. It's more important than I can ever make clear, the importance of not forgetting to do good for others in spite of whatever hard times in life you may be going through. I'm ashamed to say that this kind of stuff has slipped my mind recently, until that night in SF when J and I went for dinner after the WAC event and I gave that guy that pizza. I was really ashamed of that too, I almost walked away before remembering. Note to self: never become so desensitized to suffering that I become that type of person.
And it's time to start up the Secret Agent L project again that I got involved with a year ago. RAOK ftw.
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